One step closer to knowing

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real

I'm across the road from hope

I'm under a bridge in a rip tide

That's taken everything I call my own.

I recently played the piano for a hymn sing and devotional session with a group of seniors. My good friend read a passage from Job that I don't remember reading before, or if I had read it before, it was read without leaving any lasting impression. My friend gave the usual background on Job's life - a righteous man who had lost everything in his life. He lost his family, wealth and illness. Job finally questions God and then hears God's answer. Job replies to God by saying "I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted [...] My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you" (Job 42:1-6). My friend spoke of how often we struggling with the question of why me? why do I have to go through this pain? I know I certainly wrestle with that question. I remember saying to a couple of friends that I get how God is sovereign and that ultimately our being is honour and glorify Him. I get that obedience is required out of love for God, and not out of love for myself. I also get that there are consequences to my actions, and sin often reaps suffering. But the question I have always had is this: when God allows something to happen in your life that causes pain at the hands of others, how is that loving? But maybe, just maybe, that suffering is what I needed to see God. I mean, really see God.

I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. Studying Scripture, going to church, theological discussions, etc have all been important to me. But maybe, I am like Job. Maybe I have only heard of God. Maybe I only hear of His love. And maybe, I will see God through these experiences.

I already have.

In the love that bound my friends together to share and help in whatever way they could. As I admitted defeat with tears streaming down my face and claimed that I had lost the battle and then somehow stood back up again. In the sharpness of mind felt through an intense period of questioning. In recognizing that God has a bigger picture in mind than I can ever imagine or ever know.

One step closer to knowing...

I'm on an island in a busy intersection

I can't go forward, I can't turn back

Can't see the future, it's getting away from me

I just watch the tail lights glowing

It seems as if thinking has radically shifted over the past few months. Radical in the sense that I can't turn back, yet it is so new to me that I can't yet see where this is all leading. Those things that I saw and experienced were life changing. I can never be the same having been through these things. But more than that - there is a peace and assurance and joy that has me convinced that I have seen God in a new way. But what does life look like when you discover that all you've ever known is what you have heard with your ears, but never seen with your eyes? What you have known, and not what you've tasted? How does one live with certain questions answered and not with the constant seeking to find answers? It is hard to put experiences into words. But do know this - I am...

One step closer to knowing...

I'm hanging out to dry with my old clothes

Finger still red with the prick of an old rose

Well the heart that hurts is a heart that beats.

Can you hear the drummer slowing?

The pain is still there. The hurt is still huge. I still have many questions. I still don't fully see. And the more I understand, the more I realize just how little I actually understand. But I am convinced that I am right where God wants me to be at this moment in my life and that he who began a good work will be faithful to complete it. Ultimately, he is drawing me closer to Him through every experience whether I see it or not. He desires me to not just hear or know, but to see and taste.

I am becoming more and more convinced that God is at work and bringing me... one step closer to knowing.