And Even Youths Grow Tired and Weary

The day is Tuesday and the time 3:00pm. I wander into my bosses office to find out what my role here at the seniors residence is. See, for the past 2 weeks, I have been "filling in" for the program manager who sadly had to take leave. On Tuesday, I was informed that I was now in charge of programs, yet nothing formal had been said. My boss - who is absolutely amazing and a real gem - was on the phone. He handed me a piece of paper with "Program Manager - Job Description". I glance at it, wondering if this is really happening - am I being offered a job? He hangs up the phone and says that they need me. The meeting was rushed, answering only very immediate questions and an orientation meeting is booked for Friday. I left the office realizing that I have been promoted from a very part time student support person to the role of program manager and volunteer manager.

Prior to Tuesday, I was a freelancer. I did what I wanted to when I wanted to. Occassionally I got paid for the things I did. But mostly I read, wrote, cooked, thought and slept. Tuesday night I came home in a bit of a state of shock with the surrealness of the day's events. I am no longer a freelancer but a manager, I no longer work under but now over.

The mound of paper work is building. My head is spinning with ideas. The workload is rapidly increasing. Meanwhile, daily announcements need to be made, programs need to be organized and run and seniors and staff need to talk.

And now, all the court stuff and the wounds in my life are hitting me. Hard. I have trouble sleeping. I have not adjusted yet to days that begin early and do not make room for an afternoon nap. I have little down time at the moment and so the pain is creeping into my dreams in the sort of nightmarish way I once knew. My day is full of people and hyperinteraction, at the end of the day I seek solitude and silence and even the most endearing tunes on my computer annoy me. The hurt within me is screaming for attention and love and I want people to walk with me in this but at the same time, by 4 or 5 or 6 or whenever I leave work, I am thoroughly done with people and done talking. I once was used to speaking few words except on here or in email. And now, silence is rare.

I keep having dizzy spells. They are nasty. Today I was playing the piano for the seniors when a buzzing sound came upon me and I could not hear as well. The same sort of buzzing I have felt before fainting. I made it through the piece and thankfully regained strength to finish the singalong. As I write this, I am sitting in my office waiting for the next activity to run and at times the room feels like it is spinning. It comes and goes. Some times with headaches. Sometimes with shakiness. And then it disappears and everything is fine again.

But I am weary.

I am tired.

I am worn.

And so I stopped working long enough to sit quietly. And a verse came to mind:

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary

they will walk and not be faint.

-Isaiah 40:30-31

And so, in the midst of my tiredness and weariness and busy-ness, I will let God lift me up with his strength.