Bittersweet

A couple of weeks ago, the last pages of a very long chapter were written in my story. The court process came to a close after a very long and painful 3 years. The sentence was pronounced. It was very anticlimatic. Very undramatic.

The question I am left with is - now what? When one builds up to a day that never seems to come and then it comes and goes in the blink of an eye and is now submitted into the past - what does one do when it is over?

Of course it is not over. There are many broken lives. I think for the first time ever, I was able to look at my dad with real empathy and see a man who did not foresee these consequences the moment he laid hands on me. Made me think of Christ and Stephen's responses to those who persecuted them - they asked God to forgive their persecuters as they did not know truly what they were doing. I find it hard to believe that if my dad foresaw all the hurt and wounds that he would have allowed himself to cross boundaries that were never meant to be crossed by anyone.

I wrote this shortly after the sentencing:

One man...
...     Many Lives


One man...
...    Many wounds


One man...
...   Many tears


One man...
...  What a mess!


In many ways, this end feels like only a beginning. This chapter that is now closed finished on a sad note - my family is filled with brokenness and many wounds that are not healed. I looked around the courtroom that day and thought about the many lives that have been touched by his actions. Not literally, but as a ripple effect.

There are others that will be effected. One day I hope to marry. And my husband will have to learn to support and care for me in the midst of carrying memories and wounds from this painful part of my life. I bring baggage to a marriage - I hope that I can work through all the issues by the time that my wedding day comes, but honestly, I have a feeling that the wedding and ensuing marriage will trigger issues that cannot be worked on in my single life to the fullest. And what about my children? How will they be impacted by my past? I have been fascinated to learn about generational sins and how patterns go down in families - will the cycle end in me, or will I enable it because of my own woundedness or turn a blind eye should heaven forbid one of my children get hurt in the way that I was.

The chapter ended in a very unsatisfying way. It is unsatisfying because it did not end the way I had hoped. My involvement in a court process has been finished. but the work of healing has only begun. In my statement, I laid out three reasons for my testimony and while I have faith that God is at work and these things will be brought to completion, I had hoped that they would be fulfilled by now. But the chapter ended, and they were not. I imagine this is how the disciples must have felt as Christ was buried in the tomb that Friday. It was not the end that they were looking for. But, as they soon found out, I too know that there is more to this story than the court chapter. Many pages are still to be written.

What lies ahead? While the unpredictable always seemed to happen, at least with the courts there was some predictability. I am comforted when I think of Abraham being led by God to a place he did not know where he was going, but knew that God was with him. I know more than I have ever known that God is with me and will not leave me. and while I still have moments of doubt and weakness and hurt, there is a sense of knowing that I have not experienced before that assures me that God is good even if I don't understand what he is doing in my life, in the life of my family or in the world around me.

This past chapter was bittersweet. Thankfully it does not end there.