Lessons in Serving

Over the past few days, I have had an opportunity that I have dreamed of for years. Ever since I was 17 years old I have planned to open my home to people in need. I still remember working on a horse farm and dreaming of having my own farm one day and the therapeutic benefits of having animals and gardens to tend to while going through struggles. There is something special about a horse's nudge or a cat's purr. Anyways, I have someone staying with me this week. I've had people stay at my apartment before, but it's always been under different circumstances.

I have to say that I did not embrace this opportunity with the same enthusiasm that accompanied my dreams. It started off pretty rocky as I was pretty grumpy for my own reasons at the start of this new experience. I think the day she came and by no fault of hers I had woken up on the wrong side of the planet and it took me awhile to realize that I was full of complaining and grumbling. Someone wise and gentle reminded me that this is what I wanted to do with my life and that this is good preparation for living in community, something that I am about to do.

In reflection I have been learning a lot. I have been learning that I need to lean on God more for my strength. I knew that in theory, but not in practice. It's one thing to help someone at distance, it's another thing to help them when they are in your home. I am used to quiet and aloneness at home (Shalom doesn't say much though he is good company). But now I have someone who not only talks to me but needs me, needs help, needs something and often. There are many things to do and questions to be answered and puzzled to be solved and feelings to be debriefed. It is tiring and draining and I am finding myself in need of God's strength more and more. Quiet time with God is more important than in the days that I spent alone. I tried one day without devotions and prayer time and that was the epitome of my grumpiness!

I have been learning that the people who hosted me during times of crises gave me a gift that I can never repay. I am struck by their generousity and love in how they gave of their homes, their food, their time and themselves over and over for me. I don't think I saw it at the time and I feel bad for my ingratitude. I am struck by how much this was a gift I didn't deserve, and yet when I needed help again, these people freely gave again. I don't think I could express in words now how I feel having been on the other side and being the giver instead of the receiver.

I have been learning that I need time away. I need time with my own friends and I need time alone. I went for a long bike ride with a few friends the other day and that was the most healing and rejuvenating activity I could have done. I also need to be able to escape to some place - a coffee shop or my bedroom - and just be alone even if it is just for a few moments.

I have been learning that I need space that is just mine. My apartment is quite large in comparison to other apartments for the price I am paying. It is a basement apartment and I quite enjoy it most of the time even though it doesn't get very much natural light. But having someone sleep in my living room makes my apartment rather small all of a sudden. There is someone in my space all the time. I have rediscovered my bedroom, a place that I once only used for sleeping, as a place of privacy and sense of space. I'm frequently reminded of my paper on the meaning of home and how having someone stay with me effects my experience of home, of my home.

I am learning that when I have someone staying over I need a tidy place! I am normally not a tidy person. I remember a lot of family arguments over the messy room that I failed to clean. Occasionally my mom would clean my room as a surprise for me. When I worked at the university, my desk was always a mess, but I don't think anyone complained because I always knew where everything was. I used to claim it was an organized mess! I've since come to realize that is simply an excuse! But now clutter and dirty dishes and stuff on the floor and unvaccuumed floors drive me crazy!!!!

All of these lessons are good. Good for me in my spiritual walk. Good for me as I prepare for ministry. Good for me as I prepare to come alongside people in need. Good for me as I prepare to live in community. It is in seeing these lessons that I have been realizing the joy in serving.