Better is a One Day

Here I am at a local Starbucks enjoying a Grande Vanilla Latte as part of my birthday present from two people who know me well :) I came here to work on research. I am finding that as much as I like my apartment I am need to escape it with the sunny whether, and more so with having someone stay in my apartment. I need to escape the chaos. It's been a productive research session. I have my headphones in and am zoned into my reading. My theory is that listening to familiar music, of which I have the lyrics and melodies memorized, occupies the part of my mind that wanders so that the rest of my mind can pay full attention to the work at hand. That theory worked until I hit the song "Facedown" by Matt Redman

Welcomed in to the courts of a King

I've been ushered in to Your presence

Lord I stand on your merciful ground

Yet with every step, trembling reverence

And I fall face down

as your glory shines around

Who is there in the heavens like you

and upon the earth who's your equal?

You are far above, you're the highest of heights

we are bowing down to exalt you

This song brings me back to a moment in my life that I have just started to talk about again and feel moved to share it on here. I have been resisting this as this moment is one that still brings tears of pain to my eyes whenever I reflect up on it. But it keeps coming up in all my reading, listening, and thinking these days and I feel that God wants me to reflect on here about what He has done in my life.

Over a year ago, I endured the most trying days of my life. Trying is a most precise word as I faced the one who had hurt me greatly in a criminal trial. After being sent home the first day, I got up on the next to share my story of pain. I remember feeling bold in some moments remembering the words I wrote in my original statement - the reasons why I was doing this was to be heard in essence and in hopes that my words would result in changed hearts and circumstances. There were other times I was timid as I shared the most intimate details of what had happened to me in front of strangers and in front of a defense lawyer who I knew was his job to pick my words apart. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do in my life and one that I hope to never have to do again.

The next day, the defense lawyer had his chance to try my words, to pick at every word I said, to see if I was really telling the truth. I thought sharing what had happened to me was difficult in itself, but the cross examination seemed to take an eternity. I remember the chaplain from my school encouraging me saying that my job these hard days is to stand - and that is all. I could not have taken on anything else that week - standing was enough in itself and there were often moments I felt that I was physically going to fall. Part way through the day, the lawyers had to banter about something unknown to me without my presence.

I went to a small room with some of my closest friends, the victim services worker and was eventually joined by the police officer. I broke into an uncontrollable crying. I told them I cannot get back up there. They tried to encourage me saying that I was doing a good job and that I can do it. I kept saying I can't. And one of them (I can't remember now who) said "If you don't go, you let him [meaning the defense lawyer] win". I felt that the defense was out to destroy me completely. I hung my head and said "He has already won."

I remember that time in the room as if it went on forever but it was probably only about 10 or 20 minutes. I remember turning to one of my friends who waited outside the courtroom in prayer and support for me and asking what he was reading as a way to distract myself in hopes of recomposing myself. The tears stopped. The police officer came back in and said they are ready for me and asked if I was ready. I nodded without thinking and got back up there.

God must have directed my actions because just moments before I was pretty adamant that I could not stand any longer. I actually remember feeling physically buoyed up on the stand, not standing on my own strength but on some powerful strength that I cannot put into words.

Then the moment came. There was a dramatic moment in the cross examination that I remember crystal clearly but cannot write on here. And then I saw light. A bright light. And I knew in the very core of my being that God was with me. Just writing words here makes it sound so simplified and unexciting. But it was such a strong and vivid moment that I have not forgotten. There's a verse in the Psalms that keeps coming to me as I think of this moment. Better is a one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere. That moment is precious. One that stands out from all the pain. I am not at a point where I can say that it makes all the pain and suffering of that week worth it, but it does make me reflect on the pain differently.

I went for a long bike ride with some friends the other day. We cycled for probably about 2 hours in total with some big hills, but mostly straight paths. We went on some heavy traffic roads having to turn left - both scary and thrilling at the same time. I led the way there which put me in a bold, adventurous mood. I returned home and everything within me felt completely exhausted. Yet it has been a long time since everything within me felt so thoroughly good.

It's kinda like that moment in court. I was so completely exhausted and in pain. Yet I saw so clearly and knew with every fiber of my being that God was with me and that I had done the right thing.

People have often asked my thoughts on whether I would have gone through with this had I known all that would have happened. I find this verse in psalms keep coming to mind. Better is a one day. If I had not gone through all that pain and suffering, I would not have felt that closeness to God. It is a moment that I will treasure forever..... that one moment is better than a thousand others.