I have always said that if God or anyone else wants to get a message to me, He (they) should send it to me in the form of music and I will get it. I rediscovered a song today that I found helpful over 5 years ago when I was struggling with the pain of what was going on in my life. I felt like no one knew what was going on except the one who was hurting me. I felt that no one knew my pain, my struggles, my hurt. A friend sent me a song that I was convinced was written for me!
You've got a secret no one knows
Locked away where no one goes
Deep inside your heart,
It's tearin' you apart.
You hide the pain in all you do,
Still the shackles binding you are heavier than stone,
But you are not alone.
Like most survivors, I had long kept the secret of the pain that was inflicted on me. I remember one person wisely said to me that I will know that I am healed by this: that I will be able to say that I have brown hair, love to cook, have a cat named Shalom and I was abused all in the same sentence without feeling painful emotions. Not that I need to tell everyone or that I would speak such a sentence (truly such an introduction would be odd, if not absurd!), but that the telling does not in itself cause pain to me. That is, it is no longer my shame. I think the lyrics of Shultz' song are so true - when one carries a secret inside, locked away where no one goes, it's tearing you apart. Honesty is hard. I have had to lay my guts out on the table numerous times, risking mockery, risking people rejecting me, not believing me, or not knowing the right words to say. Sometimes I got what i expected. I think some people generally aren't comfortable with people's pain and unknowingly say things that aren't helpful. I still worry that if I am honest with people, no one will like me and I will lose their friendship. That's even with my closest friends faithfully loving me through the darkest of times and hearing the gory details of my life. But if I did not risk being honest, I would not have known the great joy of being known and loved for who I am. Those years I kept secrets were years of not feeling like anyone knew me. That is a lonely feeling.
When you're down
Look around
And you'll see I am with you.
Look to Me and you'll see I will be there to guide you.
Take My hand and I can lead you on for you know:
I am the answer,
And I am the way.
I am the promise,
And I have called your name.
Over the past little while, I've received numerous emails from people who care about me encouraging to look to God more fully because He truly loves me. I grew up singing Jesus loves me, this I know. But I think this is my big struggle in life - really truly believing that Christ loves me, more than anyone can, in a way that is perfect. I am waiting for the day he will abandon me or let me down. My struggles with my faith have been a working out the suffering in my life and how a loving, good God can let me down in such a big way.
Tonight, while I was searching through a friends' dvds to figure out what to watch tonight, I came across The Gospel of John , a beautiful film set to the Gospel word for word. I was reminded of the first moment that I had a hint that God knew me. We were watching and discussing this film in our Bible Study 6 years ago and we got to the part where Lazarus dies and Jesus took his sweet time to get there to help (I am always perplexed by God's timing! His speed is never mine! And yet, over and over, He proves to me that he was going at the right and best speed). Mary came to Jesus and said, "Lord, if you had been there, this would not have happened". I was all ears - for that was my question. If God had been there, these things would not have happened. I was waiting for a theological answer. And then Jesus, starring into the eyes of Mary, wept.
For the first time ever, I remember feeling like Christ was staring into me, seeing my pain and shedding tears on my behalf. It was the first time that I felt God actually did know what was going on and did recognize my pain. I looked around, and saw that Christ was with me.
So you want a brand new start
Askin' Me into your heart,
Down on bended knee
For the world to see.
And the chains around your heart
Fall away and break apart
Suddenly you see
The truth has set you free.
These lyrics excite me - I can see the joy of basking in the love of Christ and of looking to him only to fulfill my needs. I see how living in truth and not in secrets that there is freedom. I see that really Christ is the only one who can love me perfectly, faithfully and that through his love he will heal me. The image of Christ weeping for my pain brings the most amount of comfort I've felt this week. I love the people in my life and I know that they love me. But I know no one who has travelled this road before me. I know people who have struggled with the same kind of pain and the same kind of wounds. But no one on this particular journey. I feel alone so much these days. But the image of God weeping touches me tonight as I reflect on these things. God knows the pain I am in. God sees. And I think it grieves His heart too. I am not perfect by any means, and I know I grieve God's heart through my own actions. But there is One who sees my pain completely and stands beside me in that pain, feeling the pain. I am not alone.
Surrounded by darkness
You stumbled along
Knowing the road that you traveled was long
But I'm here beside you,
Yes here all along,
The one that will carry you on.
Oh when you are down
You think no one's around,
But I'll be with you both night and day.
I know the good times,
I'll see you through bad times,
Oh you know that I'm here to stay.
So tonight, I am thankful that I serve a God who loves me this much to carry me through the good and the bad times, that he is here to stay and that there is nothing I can do to shake his love. And as Paul prays, I hope to come to know the heights, depths, breadth and width of Christ's love. I want to really know His love, with every fibre of my being, beyond any shadow of a doubt.
I am not there yet. I still have a long way to go. But I will take Christ's hand and let him lead me on for me to know. I think that maybe, when God and I have looked together at every painful and dark corner of my heart, and Christ become my everything, then I will be truly and gloriously healed. On that day, I will be able to say I have brown hair, I love cooking, I have a cat named Shalom and I have been abused all in the same sentence without an emotional reaction.
I have hope that that day will come. It is not here yet and my guess is it is a long way off still. I am closer than I have been. My life is so vastly different because of the healing work Christ has already done. I'm discovering the many more layers that need healing. And it excites me to be able to one day share on here and with others what Christ has done in my life. This, to me, is what keeps me living on the strength of the Absurd.
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