One of the reasons I restarted my blog was to share my healing and faith journey which I believe are intertwined to provide other sojourners with hope and encouragement. I do not write to cause another to feel pain or anger, or to gain sympathy. But maybe, one day, someone who walks this journey as well will be encouraged. Maybe someone will find God through the valleys and mountain peaks of my life.
In one of my courses, we studied this amazing opera. The king's beloved wife passed away, leaving him alone to tend to his son. The father remarried, but the stepmother lusted for the son. When the son denied her advances, she threatened to kill herself and in walked the father to the stepmother with a dagger to the heart. Distraught by the sight, he asked what was going on. The wife said that the son had made advances on her and wanted to kill her. The King banished the son to be killed for his son.
The earth confronted the stepmother in a vicious storm for she in essence was responsible for the son's death.
But she stood in repentence and grief for she knew that it is her who deserved to die, and not the son. For she not only committed a grievous sin, she also lied to save her own skin.
For the handful of people who admit their guilt, I have tremendous respect and awe for you. It takes a huge amount of courage and love for you to do this.
It is hard for me to understand how a man could be so cruel to spoil a child. I think of the beautiful children that I ministered to this summer and their innocence. Their complete trust and desire to please and know that someone approves of them. Their tender love that is blind in many senses. I look at them and wonder, how could anyone choose to spoil them?
The man who spoiled me was my stepfather, a man I loved and called my dad. I do not know how he could have chosen to spoil me.
But this puzzles me even more: how could he, a supposed Christian man, deny with such animosity and vigour his own actions? It sucks to be caught, like the emperor with no clothes on. And his actions have serious consequences for him and everyone involved. But how could his heart harden so much that he deny the entirety and gravity of his actions? How could he proclaim the Christian message and yet miss the point entirely? I think of the times I have hurt those I love with words and actions, or sometimes inaction. And it weighs heavily on me. I try to justify. I try to explain away my actions. But at the end of the day, I am responsible for my actions regardless of what was done to me or what kind of day I was having. I am often reminded of the verse in Psalm 25 - May integrity and righteousness preserve me all the days of my life. The weight of my own actions is a burden on me and not seeking forgiveness can make me feel sick, physically sick. So how does one deny for years, in the court of law, in the eyes who love him, what he did?
It seems to me that the cost of denial is far worse than the cost of the courts finding him guilty and pronouncing such a sentence. Our court system is so lenient towards convicts that yes, his freedom will be taken away for a period of time, but ultimately, if he humbles himself and allows Christ to speak to his most inward being, surely the freedom experienced is far greater than any experience of freedom outside the confines of the law.
Surely living in lies is lonely! How I know this as I have struggled with many things and kept them from those who love me the most. nothing compares to the pain of feeling that I am not really known for who i am. Compliments are empty when the person doesn't know who I really am. Flattering, yes. But only for awhile. Soon I realize I am a fake. And when I build up a wall around me that no one else sees, I feel as if I have to maintain that fakeness because that is who people have come to love. What a lonely life.
Only he and I, and those involved in the legal process, know what happened. The shame is not mine any more and I am free to tell those whom I trust. And it is freeing. And freeing to discover that I am loved not for the front I put on, but for who I really am inside.
I fear he is becoming more and more like Pharoah and my heart genuinely breaks for him in the midst of the pain I feel for myself. He is hardening his heart and walking so far from God. I am no better from him, but i do taste the freedom of being honest before God and myself. I long so much for him to experience this freedom. Yet Pharoah, despite God's warnings and signs, continued to harden his own heart. I do not know, but I fear that my dad is becoming more and more like Pharoah. Pharoah lost his first born son before his heart melted. I hope my Dad can surrender himself before God before he loses out.
I wonder if he fears losing respect from those around him. But I can't help wonder, like the woman in the opera - could he gain more respect for his tremendous love and courage in admitting the truth instead of becoming as stubborn as Pharoah? I know that a genuine apology would not be a quick fix. It would not take away my pain in life. It would not fix my struggles. It would not heal my family and all the broken relationships.
But it would be the best gift he could give me. To validate me. To me it would show that he actually does love me, that he would sacrifice himself in this way to try to make things right.
This is all I wanted. This is all I've asked for. And I think it is the only remedy against a hardened heart.
6 comments:
I have read your tiraids, and now I ask you, oh critical one: How could somebody claim to be a "Christian" and yet miss the ENTIRE point about christianity?? it's called FORGIVENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Like, God has forgeven EVERYTHING that YOU have done wrong! Why can't you forgive what someone has done to you, who has apologized and apologized?!? Why do other people have to show mercy, but YOU DON'T??? "Vengence is Mine, saith the Lord"? and I guess in your version of the bible it says, "Vengence is mine too? 'cause I'm more important then those other sinners."
'cause by telling the entire world about how wrong somebody elses actions were is actually A SIN!! (called gossiping and stirring up desention!. not to mention hurting your family.! YOU HYPOCRITE! "ALL (yes that means you) ALL have fallen short of the glory of God". Nobody's Sin is less bad or more bad. We all make mistakes, and we all break God's Laws.
I wouldn't advise you to go around preaching and teaching about a God who you are obviously IGNORING his COMMANDMENTS, but telling other people what they should or should have done.
BTW: How do you know he hasn't admitted/apologized/ask for forgiveness. He apologize to you at least twice in public let alone in private. He has apologized to more people than you have, and has humbled himself more than you proudship ever could. you are using this to gain attention for your self!
...and one final thing, YOU will NEVER BEGIN your "Road to Healing" without "forgiving and forgetting". If YOU CONTINUALLY talk about your problems, and what bothers you YOU WILL NEVER HEAL.
the BIBLE says "Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovable, admirable or praise-worthy -- YOU need to think of such things"
phillipains.
You should try reading the bible sometime!
I couldn't read the previous comments and leave without posting some additional thoughts. The assertion that the biblical approach to healing from abuse would be to simply forget that it ever happened ignores the whole nature of the bible. This is a book full of remembering! It does not hide tragedy, injury, injustice, and violation; it does not ignore stories of conflict, failure, incest, rape, exodus, crucifixion, etc, but rather records them in detail to help us remember. If we took the verse from Philippians to mean that we shouldn’t reflect upon or remember painful/negative events, I think we’d have to eliminate at least half of the bible from our scripture! Furthermore, what would happen to our understanding of God, community, faith, and healing if the bible writers had adopted Anonymous’ suggestion and had chosen to forget these stories of hurt and sorrow?
Continuing...
The allegation that you are doing this to gain attention completely overlooks the trauma of disclosure/ testifying, and the risk of further damage to family relationships. Relationships that I know you value and miss dearly. I am certain that your decision to reveal the full truth and extent of your stepfather’s actions was done out of a desire to protect your younger siblings and out of a deep sense of right and wrong. Strengthoftheabsurd, I uphold you in your journey!
Life and memories are as much a part of our bodies as are our hands feet and heads. Thus to forgive and forget would be like performing a self lobotomy. Your brain contains the memories of your past, and those memories cannot be erased, especially when they are as traumatic as yours, strenthoftheabsurd. From my perspective, healing comes when one is able to remember things fully, not emphasizing only the negative things of the past. As a result, what needs to happen is a kind of becoming familiar with your body again, allowing yourself to rest easy in the homeliness of incarnate being. This is what it means to forgive: to acknowledge and remember the wounds that have been inflicted, but to somehow transcend them in your own being. It is not an an erasure of the past, but rather a more profound embodiment of it. Sometimes you may not get an acknowledgement of the wrong done to you by the abuser. And neither should the abuser escape the consequences of his actions. But forgiveness can still happen, even if not all parties concerned see the outcomes as being favorable.
from reading this and through my own experiances, i can tell you that your siblings won't want protection from a person who ruins there father on the internet. I fyou desire to to help other people, fine, but don't go into detail. try reading Elizabeth George or Joel Osteen about your thought life.
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