I have hoped and prayed for miracles in my life. I still think that i was praying for good things. As a child, I prayed that God would protect me from the actions of my father. I would sometimes stay up reading Scripture and praying which would be my sword and shield. But he did not. Or at least not in the way I asked of God. I have wrestled with my faith on this question so many times. I used to believe that if God was there he would have stopped those things from happening to me. But he did not - therefore he must not have been there. My experience and my theology were at conflict. The God I wanted would not allow such pain to a child.
I prayed for the opportunity to say goodbye to someone I love very much. I held on to hope knowing that the God I serve is a God who can do all things. I waited by my phone each day for the invitation to go and see her. When I was told there was not much time left, I cancelled work the next day in part so that I had the freedom to jump when the phone rang. She passed away that night.
I think only CS Lewis has been able to provide comfort in this potentially shattering experience. He wrote A Grief Observed as a defense for his faith. I think I've journeyed in faith long enough to know that God was there in this and he allowed my hope to be disappointed. What kind of God does this? Not the God I believed in!
Today I was reading in Joshua a bit. There are harsh commands that God makes to Joshua and the army - to blot out every nation. This verse stood out as particularly shocking:
For it was the Lord himself who hardened their hearts to wage war against Israel,
so he might destroy them totally,
exterminating them without mercy,
as the Lord had commanded Moses.
Joshua 11:20
God hardened their hearts? to destroy them? exterminate them? without mercy? And what about Pharaoh, who by his own bad decisions and stubborn arrogance turned against God, but then God hardened his heart.
Then the Lord said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his officials so that I may perform these signs of mine among them that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the Lord.
Exodus 10:1-2
There are many stories that I want to reject from Scripture right now because they don't fit my 'god'. They don't jive with who I want God to be. The temptation for me is to say "well, that's not the God I serve". Maybe that is true when I see my conception of God as a small 'g' god. But is that who God is?
The God that I serve allowed Stephen to be martyred in order to spread the gospel through the nations. He allowed his own son to suffer on the cross for the world. The God I served told the Israelites to pummel the surrounding nations. The God I serve cares more about my soul than about my own comfort. The God I serve wants me to love him with my whole heart and mind and soul.
I think God is knocking at my door right now trying to get me to see how big he is. He is bigger than the God who I believed would make reconciliation happen. He is bigger than the god I believed would come in and rescue me. I believe that he spared my soul which is probably the biggest need of protection anyone could need. I know too many people who have suffered in ways I have who have rejected the Christian faith. So I do believe now that God answered my childish prayer for protection. That is already "bigger" than what I asked for as a young girl.
I may not understand God's ways. But then - his ways are higher than mine. I think I am starting to get a glimpse of that.
3 comments:
I find this a valuable insight, since I too am being forced to open the doors of a closed mind and think of the possibility that God is so much larger than I have been giving him credit for. Here I am, sitting in my little world with no knowledge of the past or future or even the the present outside of my insular little world, how can I be surprised that maybe God has a bigger plan or a better idea than the one I myself have, and why would I want him to do the miracle that I choose if the one he himself has planned is so much bigger? Is my GOD the creator of the universe, the soveriegn Lord and Lover of my soul or his he my puppet? Thanks Fizz... needed the reminder. ;)
Thanks Laurie :) You are one of the people who have encouraged me to see God as bigger than I am. I'm glad the reminder helped :) I'm thankful we journey this road together.
between our conversations this week, Tims sermon on Sunday and the Bible study last night I have been grappling with this exact issue... I too blogged it out and came to some new conclusions, so I won't reiterate it here since I am blogged out for the moment and just want a long hot soak in the spa downstairs ;) I think in some ways this is the very struggle that most Christians find themselves, no matter what the actual issue is the heart of the matter is who we are putting first, who we are serving, a false god or the True God? Do we need to tear down idols and pick up the cross? Most honest christians would say that yes, they do.
Post a Comment