A beautiful chord

But tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord.
(Sixpence none the Richer)

I haven't written in a couple of weeks partly because I have been working on another writing project - the last paper of my undergraduate degree. By the end of the summer, I should be done my BA which has been started and stopped several times due to life circumstances several times. At first I didn't think that I would go to the graduation ceremony as I didn't think that this degree mattered to me and the pain that I endured while trying to complete it didn't seem worth celebrating. I have since changed my mind, however, as I now realize that this degree speaks to the perseverance to complete a project in the midst of very difficult challenges. This degree speaks to my determination in spite of the odds stacked against me. The paper I am working on is ironically on the experience of hospital environments - this topic was chosen a year prior to my hospitalization. Still I have plenty to say which is good because it should be around 10,000 words by the time it is done.

Anyways, most of my words have been directed to this paper. Also, I have been working through some pretty difficult issues and did not feel like spilling them all out on here. But there have been some realizations and answers to prayer that I want to share on here.

A little while ago, I started praying daily for deep healing. Healing that would touch the very core of who I am and heal from the bottom up. I don't know what I expected this to look like other than I knew that a bandaid healing was not what I wanted.

I didn't expect though the pain that I have been feeling. Someone once gave me the analogy of healing as  cleaning out an infected wound - the only way for true healing to happen is for the pain of cleaning out the infected wound to happen first. There is so much that I have buried and not wanted to look at, and the infection of the wounds in my life run deep. At times I feel overwhelmed by the memories and the feelings that accompany them or the nights interrupted by nightmares. There is sadness at what I have lost and what I have had to endure because of the hands of another. There is anger at the injustice of the abuse and mistreatment. There is jealousy of those who have not had to endure these inflictions. There is fear about the next stage of my life that I am working towards, fear of the unknown. There is frustration that I struggle still after all these years of working on healing. There is discouragement that I find myself on yet another hard road to travel.

I've been struck by some songs and readings that I have been exposed to lately, including the song quoted above by Sixpence none the richer. Tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord. I am coming to realize that all this is happening as an answer to my prayers, that the healing -- the deep healing -- of my wounds has begun. Issues are being brought to the surface for my attention, I am seeing the infections that run deep and rubbing alcohol or peroxide are being poured onto them and it stings! But it stings because healing is taking place. So this inner tension is a dissonant note that when resolved, it will be the sound of a beautiful chord.

U2 sings a song that has a powerful line in it -- "always pain before a child is born". I feel like I am on the edge of new things, of a new journey, of exciting times, of a changed life. I feel like a chapter of my life is coming to a close and that the pages of a new one are soon to be written. I feel like I am approaching a 'birth' of some sorts, and that perhaps I am in the midst of the labour pains right now.

So while this is not an easy time, it is a good time and is to be loved like the tension before a beautiful chord.

Jeanette Armstrong, a poet, writes about this in her poem about grief.

to grieve       is only to find the place to begin
the forming into words    the unspeakable
the magic     out of which        comes healing
to bring into understanding           into subjugation
the old lies  that scream and scream
to quiet the internal       quivering and shaking
of flesh and bone        the power to dispel the myths
that cling and cling   to stop the continuous
chant and rattle       of the dying            to turn outward
the eyes      into day        landscape of the living
a leaving of horror   a letting go never to be recalled
to finally reach outward to restructure             to allow
time      truth       trust       to pull in          warmth
to fill spaces       with quiet        a light brush of lips
across the cheek         of heart against heart
a murmur          a gentle welling up    an unfettering
of laughter     to wear brightness     fresh words
new stories    a song   the silent singing of which
pushes outward to fill     others          in the place
to come to.


(from Grief is not the activity that heals)


I think Armstrong's words are true and I think this is what is going on in my life. For this I give thanks, in the midst of the tension, in the midst of the labour pains, that a birth of a beautiful chord awaits me.


In the words of Jason Mraz, "And what a beautiful mess this is! It's like picking up trash in dresses"

It's a beautiful mess.

preparing for a birth of something new and exciting

a beautiful chord