Assurance in the midst of valleys

Despite not having a job or school to fill my time, I have been quite busy the past few days. I'm getting used to the community's rhythm of life with morning and evening prayer and radical hospitality practices. Plus my volunteering and helping other's out. This week I have felt like I have been running from one activity to the next, one meeting to another. This morning though, I had a few moments to spend alone with God in reading Philippians. I thought I'd share a little of my ruminations...

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. - Philippians 1:12

I am struck by a couple of things in this verse. I am struck by how everything works towards promoting Christ's glory, that even the maltreatment and imprisonment of Paul would be used to further the gospel. I think about my own life and the many struggles that I have and continue to face. It brings huge encouragement and hope that God would use all these things for his glory and to spread the gospel further. I think about the people who have been encouraged and inspired by my story and I am genuinely thankful that God could use me in this way. It doesn't quite make up for the injustice and suffering, but it brings meaning and purpose to even the unlovely both of my (in)action and actions done against me. J.A. Moyter, the commentator that I am reading from writes, "The pressures of life are the hands of the Potter who is also our Father; the fires of life are those of the refiner". There is much comfort and encouragement in these words. God not only sees my suffering and pain, but orchestrates me life in such away that even my suffering and pain is used for His glory.

Another thing that struck me as I read this verse and Moyter's notes is how focused Paul is on Christ. Here he is in prison, shackled in chains, and his focus and hope is found in the Christ and the furtherance of the gospel. Moyter writes, "In the heat of trial, in the thick of life, in the press of circumstances, the Christian is one who sees no man, save Jesus only". What a beautiful place to be in life where no matter what is going on, I see Christ. That whether this happens to me or that, I see that Christ is involved, and Christ is promoted. How inspiring it is to be in the thick of suffering, and to stand on solid ground absolutely convinced that God is here in the midst of it. How hopeful that even when man tries to hurt, God uses that and turns it around.

I am reminded of Joseph's words to his brothers who were afraid that he held a grudge against them for the way they mistreated and sold him. Joseph said, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" (Genesis 50:20). I pray daily for reconciliation in my family, and it is my deepest desire. Often I feel like I am hoping against all hope, believing the impossible, and that this thing I call 'faith' is actually not dealing with reality. Still, I hope and long for reconciliation and pray that it will happen in this lifetime, soon even. I pray that God will create within me a forgiving heart - a genuinely forgiving heart. Growing up we were taught to say "I'm sorry" and respond with "I forgive you" whenever a wrong was committed. The apology held no deep roots to change or necessarily a desire to be forgiven, or even a recognition that the action was wrong. Often it was simply the words that the offender used when caught without feelings of remorse. The 'forgiveness' given was simply a polite response, such as "you're welcome" is to "thank you". I've been told to forgive and to forget. I think forgetting is impossible. Moreover, I think forgetting goes against the Christian message - we remember the death and suffering of Christ AND the resurrection. In my life, I won't be able to recall God's goodness without remember the dark valleys. Plus, we are talking years of abuse and heartache that comprise a huge percentage of my life - it is part of my story, of my brokenness, of the work of evil in my family and in my own life. To forget would mean I'd have to throw away my own salvation, the story of how God has worked in my life, my broken life, my sinful life, to create within me a new heart. Forgiveness is possible though, I think, and is a gift from God. I'm not there yet, but I am working on my issues and bringing them before God in hopes that he will take my heart that is willing to forgive and change it into one that is capable of forgiving. Deep forgiveness, not just words that carry no meaning.

I dream of a day when reconciliation begins, when my parents accept and are remorseful for there actions and inaction, when we can sit down and have a conversation where honesty prevails without excuses, denial or minimization. And I dream of being far enough on the healing journey that when a deep apology is offered, I can respond with deep forgiveness and say the words that Joseph said - that what my parents meant as harm towards me, God has actually taken, redeemed and used for his glory. I dream of a day when I am so focused on Christ that I see my parents not as ones who have hurt me, but as broken and sinful people, just like me, who need God's grace in their lives. I dream of a day when my needs are so met by Christ that I can only love my parents, and lavish forgiveness and grace upon them when they feel burdened by what they have done.

Maybe you could dream along with me and pray to this end. And then we can rejoice together and celebrate what God has done in the midst of my life - making me whole - and in the life of my family. I think when this day happens, it will be a day worth celebrating.

Dreaming comes with a twinge of pain, for it must accept that what I long for is not here yet. It must acknowledge the fear that what I dream, may not become reality... and i will still need to find away to know with every fibre of my being that Christ is proclaimed through my life, the good and the bad. Yet dreaming also provides hope, and leans on the possibility that wonderful things can happen with a God who does the impossible and changes hearts of even a Pharisee that staunchly persecuted Christ before coming a devoted follower and slave of the gospel.

So this passage that I read today encourages me to hope. to dream. to rejoice.

and so today i rejoice. I rejoice in the One who makes crooked paths straight. I rejoice that God uses my life. and I rejoice that God will use my story for the furtherance of the gospel.