A mother's devotion

Today I sat with good friends of mine who's 3 1/2 year old boy was waiting to be taken in for his third open heart surgery. I went to "sit shiva" as the father once said. The boy had to fast and so the parents were fasting too so that he wasn't alone. Over the 3 1/2 years of medical struggles this boy has been through, I have watched the two parents' love. I am particularly struck by the mother's love for her child. Her child is hurting, scared and she is by his side. She will stay up all night with him tonight if she needs to. She would give anything to take away this pain and to fix her child's heart.

I have to say, one of the things I am struggling the most at the moment has to do with a mother's devotion and love for her child. One of the hardest things for me the past few years has been the response my mother has taken. The day after children's aid was called, I was worried about my mother and called her to find out how she was handling anything. But she didn't want to speak to me. The past six and a half years hold many painful stories in which I have felt forgotten, rejected, abandoned by the one whom I want to love me the most.

The wounds that my stepfather has inflicted on me are great, and I am still working through issues, trying desparately to understand the non-understandable, trying to get his behaviour, trying to look at him with compassion and mercy and understanding the brokenness in his own life in order to make the decisions he chose. This has been hard work. But this work seems to be paused for a moment and a welcome break. Yet the loss and pain of a broken, and seemingly nonexisting relationship with my mother is great. I watch and hear stories of mothers, and I note the beauty in their love and devotion to their child. But there is always a twinge of pain, a longing, a reminder that I am an orphan in a sense.

In my journey, I have had the privilege of several people who have provided parental roles and influence in my life. I am so thankful for them and this has helped a lot with the feelings of being an orphan. But it's not the same. I want my mom. No one else is like my mom. She is beautiful, and has a sense of humour and a large heart to share with others. She's far from perfect, but she is my mother. And I love her more than I think she will ever know.

My mom is in a difficult position and I can often shove aside my feelings of abandonment and rejection when I think of how crappy it is that she should have to choose between two people she loves. I bet my stepfather never realized how his choices would play out (if he had, I think my story would be different, that he would have sought help for his temptations). My mom has had a lot to deal with because of his actions. She visited me in the hospital and we had the chance to talk on the phone a couple of times. And that meant the world to me. But that has stopped. and the silence has returned.

I know that the silence will remain until all the court stuff is over. still I eagerly check the mail in hopes that today is the day I will hear from her. Hoping against all hope. Believing in the impossible. days pass though, months pass, years pass and I can't help but ask: am I forgotten? does she think of me any more? am I even still considered a daughter?

I think this is what hurts most right now......that the mother's devotion that I have been so keenly watching in others around me is absent in my life. I will still hold on to the hope that this will change. I will still love my mother through praying for her and wishing her best. I long to give more practical help, but there's nothing I can do. But still, I will hope that one day, in this life, we will be reunited and relationships will be healed and that we will sing a song of reconciliation that is beautiful and honest and encourages other people in broken relationships to press on, to pray and to pursue grace and peace and mercy and love even when it hurts.