Thirteen

Thirteen years ago today, I turned thirteen on friday the thirteenth. It was truly a "freaky friday" and one I probably will never forget. This day changed my life forever and brought pain that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Thirteen years later, I still feel this pain. Thirteen years later I still suffer from the effects of that day. I have spent the past thirteen years seeking to understand how God and suffering fit together. Thirteen years later, these questions remain. But I am gaining a broader perspective and understanding of what God has done in my life and through my life. My reading of 1 Peter today helped me to reflect on this broader perspective.

Edmund Clowney (who writes the commentary I am reading on 1 Peter) notes Peter's 4 reasons for "why we can not only endure trials, but rejoice in hope in the midst of trials." I think these are true for me.

1) Our hope in Christ points us beyond the trials. I think it is so easy for me to get caught up in my problems. THey are big and seem all-consuming. But they are temporary. THe hope that I have in Christ is for all eternity. This hope is sufficient to carry me through whatever life brings me. One day, when I can look back on my thirteenth birthday, I can see how God has healed and transformed me. Perhaps other will come to know Christ through my experiences and through the witness of God's healing power and love.

2) Our faith is strengthened through the very sufferings that we endure. I remember just a few months ago, I told a friend that I didn't think God loves me because of all the stuff I was going through. God kept allowing circumstances into my life in which I would have to stand for what was right at a huge cost. She told me that God DOES love me and to wait and see. A significant and very difficult event came and left a few months ago. I remember standing, for the first time, with this solid sense of God's presence within me. An absolute confidence that God was with me and that God loves me. It is a physical presence of strength and assurance that I have never felt so strongly before. I do not know how to describe it any better - but since that day, while pain and fears still are present, I do not doubt God's presence or his love. Before this event, I never would have anticipated this being the result. But it was - and had I not gone through what I had, perhaps I would not have come to know and taste and feel God in this way. I think this is one of the greatest things for which we can have hope - that God will use every circumstance in our life to bring us closer to him if he allows us. Even my own sin, God has the power to transform and give as a witness to his glory and awesomeness. To embrace suffering is in many ways to live on the strength of the absurd.

3) When Christ returns, there will be a reward and an end to suffering. The greatest award possible I think is to live with Christ and be told "well done, my good and faithful servant." This reward makes my suffering seem small in comparison. It is when I lose sight of this that my pain becomes unbearable. But when I see Christ truly, I see how awesome it is to be able to partner with God and allow him to use me and my life to serve God and others. What a privledge it is to hear of others who have been encouraged or challenged by my life and to have God put his hand on me and say "Good job - I am pleased with you". There is much joy and comfort in the thought that God is pleased with me and proud of me even - as my heavenly father and creator.

4) We will share in the glory of Christ's suffering. Clowney writes, "When Jesus is revealed, the gold of our faith will shine to his praise." When I reflect on what Christ has done for me, this is an honour above all honours - that my life may glorify Christ and shine for him.

I began today wondering - for the perhaps millionth time - why I have had to go through horrible things. After thirteen years, i still don't have answers! But I take encouragement in Clowney's words:

If our faith is to endure, it must be purified and stress-tested. Like gold it must pass through the furnace. Trials should not surprise us, or cause us to doubt God's faithfulness. Rather, we should actually be glad for them. God sends trials to strengthen our trust in him so that our faith will not fail. Our trials keep us trusting; they burn away our self-confidence and drive us to our Saviour. The fires of affliction or persecution will not reduce our faith to ashes. Fire does not destroy gold; it only removes combustible impurities.

How true is that! I think over the past few months I am beginning to see how much I have grown in thirteen years of faith. Today brought a small example - I was eager to come home from church to spend my birthday with God! Also, I'm realizing that God is at work in my life and in the lives of those whom I love. And he will bring to completion his good works. The fires have taught me that. How encouraging too to be reminded that fire does not destroy gold. God will not give me more than I can bear (sometimes we have different opinions on that! but, i do know deep down that his refining fire will not utterly destroy, but purify me.)

So today, on the thirteenth anniversary of that horrible day, I reflect on not only the pain and cry out to God, but also I see how wonderful God is in the midst of trials and how he continues to work in my life! And I look for the day that I will shine like gold :-)