All that I can do

My blog posts lately are a bit sporadic as my internet is not currently working at home and I do not always get to have a lunch break. News on the work front - I was granted my second raise in the past week! I now have my first salaried position with benefits and all, an office to myself with several windows, my own extension line and hopefully, soon, a business card. I am so thankful for this position. Today I came into work and had a lovely Christmas card from my adopted "Grandfather"! What a nice surprise, and timely too as I needed something as a pick me up today. Santa's elves are busily working to put together 100 stockings (Do you know how difficult it is to fill a generic stocking fit for students and seniors alike, some with able bodies and some without, and some with their wits about them, and some who struggle? Add in the budget and consider the challenge Santa had this week!).

Yesterday, I had an experience that I am very grateful for. I am not a fan of doctors and tend to avoid them like the plague. It takes a lot of courage for someone with my history to be vulnerable enough to make an appointment, let alone keep it. My previous family doctor was someone I only went and saw if a problem was bad enough and usually I had to bribe myself with a vanilla latte. Still, I feared offending her if I changed doctors. Well, she moved and I have been without a GP for several months now. A little while ago, I came to the realization that this was not a good plan for the long term. So, I asked my friends for recommendations.

Yesterday, I had my "meeting" appointment, and honestly I was blown away by the care and compassion that I was shown by everyone in the clinic. What I didn't know previously, was that this clinic is a Christian clinic and serve the missionary community as well as a family practice. The doctor was very warm right from the minute I met her. She took the time to ask me about my schooling and work life and took a real interest in my theological studies (how sweet is it to have a medical doctor who has heard of a "Masters of Divinity"!!!! She was asking the various questions I had predicted and then the dreaded time came when I knew I had to share a bit of my life to reduce the barriers that I have to health.

She stopped looking at the computer and listened. Really listened. And asked questions. She said that she has seen in her practice the damage that abuse causes and the pain people carry as a result of others' actions. She was sorry that I had to go through so much and for so long and said it is amazing that I carry out as well as I do. She then said something that brought tears to my eyes - she said that in her experience, she can say that I am doing all that I can do to heal - I am doing all the right things: 1) going for counselling and 2) speaking out. She said it's a long road but I'm doing the right thing.

My decisions and actions have been commented on numerously. This journey is long, and often, I wonder if it is worth it or if I'm doing the right thing. If I had not had that particular moment in the courtroom when I saw without doubt things very clearly, I think I would be swallowed up in doubt like I used to be. I often feel like I am not doing enough or not good enough. Or not doing things in the right way. Am I praying enough? am I working hard enough at healing? am I reaching out to those who have hurt me enough? am I trying to be happy enough? am i working hard enough to understand the past and the present and the days ahead, or the Lord of my life?

I often feel inadequate. I am hard on myself. Every job prior to the last two, I continue to work harder for fear that I will be fired. I've never been fired though. Only promoted or given performance raises. Still, this fear dictated my work for so long - I am my strongest task master.

Lately as I battle feeling depressed at this time of year yet again, I feel discouraged. Shouldn't I feel happy by now? Shouldn't I have mastered the way of this season for me?

Honestly, the most comforting word I received recently was "you are doing all of the right things."
 and "You are doing all that you can do."

To be told I'm doing right. To be told I am doing all that I can do. Every once in awhile I need to hear that.