I've taken a real interest lately to reading memoirs and stories of peoples lives. They fascinate me. I am interested in how people describe their experiences and how they interpret them. I am interested in how they come away from their experiences and what they do with them. One thing I am realizing is that one of the ways pain and suffering can be redeemed is through turning it around to help others. Ultimately, I think this can only be done through God. But I've read memoirs lately of non-Christians who take their stories and make something good out of it.
I think about the people who I know who are godly examples. Their wisdom comes from suffering, some very ugly things in life. My new adopted "Grandpa" at the tower has many stories that break my heart. This week I've been admiring the faith of some dear friends as they stay by their toddler's side after he had open heart surgery and can name the miracles in the midst of a difficult time I really cannot imagine. Other friends have met family challenges, some similar to mine and others quite different. But they are able to "sit shiva" with me in my painful moments.
I am reminded of the U2 song "Grace". Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.
My story is one of ugly things. Betrayed by a man who should have protected me, but instead used my innocence to his own advantage. Secrets kept in the mistaken belief that they would protect my mother and my siblings. Leaving home unexpectedly with only a backpack of stuff and having my church buy toiletries and pajamas. Of attaining my belongings from the parking lot of where I worked with a birthday present wrapped in a red plastic bag with a note "We won't be needing this any more". Of not being believed or protected, but instead rejected in my most vulnerable of times. Of losing everything that meant something to me in order to protect them from what I went through. Of a gruelling testifying over 3 days with an invasive cross examination that, had it not been for God, almost knocked me down completely. I remember waiting in a room with my friends, sobbing and saying that the defense has won. I can only say that it was God who got me up there again to face the courts because I was insisted that I could not stand any longer. Within a few moments, God worked in the courtroom to have something interesting and unexpected happen and gave me the confirmation I needed that this long and hard battle was indeed something that God was with me in. Of being unable to say goodbye to someone I loved very much and has now been "promoted to glory" as the Salvation Army says.
I've made choices too - almost three years ago I spent several weeks in a hospital not wanting to live. I continue to struggle with depression and ways to cope that are not always the best for me. I struggle to sleep at night and to stay asleep. Sometimes nightmares are so bad that I don't want to sleep, so I stay up reading or writing. I get anxious over little things sometimes and any time there is a change in my life, I long for some sense of stability and security.
Ugly things.
But grace finds beauty in ugly things.
One day I will walk alongside a young girl who struggles as I have, perhaps with a past like mine. I will be able to say that God is sovereign and good and loves His children without any sense of doubt in my mind. I will be able to hold on faith and pray without faltering for the ones who are falling in my midst.
One day I will open a centre that helps women and children break the cycle of abuse and silence and counsels them from a Christian perspective. I have many dreams that have grown and developed since the time I worked at a horse farm and first thought that this is where God is calling me.
One day I will go and speak to groups and churches and tell them my story and God's faithfulness in my life. I will share how they can come alongside someone who is suffering and support them in their ministry to the people and community around them.
One day I will write my own memoir that will hopefully encourage and inspire others, much like the stories that have inspired me.
Right now I feel like I am drowning in the ugly things of my life. I woke up again in the middle of the night and got thinking about how sad I feel and how I wish this painful chapter of my life would soon end. Feelings of loss and hopelessness seem to creep in faster than I can stop them as the Christmas holidays draw near.
But right now, as I write this, and hopefully for more than just a moment, I acknowledge that Grace will make beauty out of ugly things.
3 comments:
My dear friend: I call you that because I have read your story and I want you to know that my heart is there with you.
No, I have not been through what you have, but I have had real trauma to deal with in my life. I know that it doesn't just go away as some would suggest. I also understand that Christmas is hard for you. It has all changed. Things that you shared over the years with your family, are not available now. You will need to set up new customs with people in your new life. That is very sad. You have a right to express your feelings - no one can take this away from you. I just feel so bad for you and wish that I could give you a hug.
I know you have had many people tell you what to do, but if I may I would like to tell you what I did. I am a Christian as I know you are. I fought things for years and nothing was changing. And no, I don't feel like Christians have to be above everything. You are a human but with God on your side. Eventually I realized that I had to forgive the person that hurt me. At first I couldn't do that but eventually I realized that I was only hurting myself. I said forgive - not forget. Times I am still bothered but not to the same extent.
I am not telling you that this will go away over night in fact some of it may never leave you completely and that can be good. I am saying that I am functioning in the world and my pain is not with me everday. God is good and is there with me. I also thought of ending my life but God protected me and I got some help which was the beginning of my healing.
Okay enough preaching lol. I have not signed my name because I want to direct this comment to you, and not have others criticize my thoughts and try and persuade you that you did something wrong. I am straddling a line here. Just know that I want you to have a good life and as I have proved, God doesn't always answer our prayers how and when we want. He is God. Take care friend and have a good Christmas.
Thank you for your post. I appreciate what you wrote. And thank you for the cyber hugs and thoughts. I totally agree that God doesn't answer our prayers in the timing that we want or how we want sometimes. I'm actually giving a talk this morning on this. But yes, God is good.
As for forgiveness, you know its a word that is thrown around so much in Christian circles (and in pop psychology too for that matter, but i won't go there!). Being a philosopher at heart, I can't help but ask what is forgiveness? How does one forgive? I am leaning towards forgiveness being a gift from God. Like the story of Corrie ten Boom who, only by the hand of God, was able to reach out and shake the hand of the nazi person who betrayed her family. I wonder if, like healing, I will one day look back and realize that I have truly and deeply forgiven and will praise God for His work in my life to bring me to that point. But perhaps this will not necessarily come for the asking for it.
A few unpolished thoughts. I have a blog post ready to publish but it's on a different computer right now. I may post on the weekend.
I agree with you that "forgiveness" is a gift from God. I don't believe that it is something that we can create by sheer force of will. I believe it is somewhat like healing and that it takes time but the strength of the pain lessens as time goes by. I realize in your case a lot of time has gone by but the situation has not been finalized yet. I pray that the healing and pain will be able to work its way out of your life in the near future (at least start the process).
Good point you made - Will the forgiveness come by asking?? I think it will but not necessarily immediately. I think by writing down your feelings you are helping to get them out of your body - not meant to hurt anyone - but rather to help the pain leave your life. I am praying for you.
I am sorry Christmas was so difficult. However you have many positive things happening in your life. God keep you.
Your friend (More cyber hugs coming your way)
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