I was recently introduced to a book called "Soul Misery" by someone whose name escapes me. I just glanced at it, so I can't comment too much on it. I think the jist is that there is a type of misery or 'depression'-like condition when one is at loss about where they should be in their lives or are in the wrong place. I had a dream the night I skimmed the book which made me realize that this soul misery is a part of what I am currently experiencing in life. I struggle with depression, yes. But lately there has been an element that is different. I have been trying to figure out where God wants me in my life. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I've been looking for a job. But nothing seems to stand out to me. I am applying to jobs that don't stand out to me but there have not been any bites or even nibbles. I've been thinking about school programs and wondering what program I should be in - should I continue my MDiv degree or go into social work or some other program? Can I even handle school? For that matter, can I handle working? Should I continue to be off on "sick leave" to continue working on healing? I've been praying for direction, but no answers seemed to come.
I remember a time when I was very clear on where God wanted me. A couple of winters ago, I knew that God wanted me to work as a summer camp director. I had interviewed for a position the previous year but at the time was not a full time student so I was not eligible. I found an add for a position at a church and looked at it saying "this is the job for me". A couple days later, I got a phone call from the youth pastor wanting to schedule an interview. Before calling him back, I looked at the cover letter that I had sent him only to find out I sent the wrong file!!! How embarrassing to discover this! I went for the interview and actually really enjoyed the conversation. By the time I got home that day, the youth pastor had called me to offer me the position. I accepted. I still remember him asking me if I wanted time to think about it. I didn't need time. I knew.
And then recently, I have discovered a monastic Christian community that has an intentional community living arrangement. I might have mentioned this already so forgive me if I am repeating myself. When I first heard the call out for members, I was drawn to this but didn't know why. I kept thinking of reasons why community living wasn't for me. Bible verses and friends comments came to mind with everything reason I came up with. It's not finalized and I'm cautious to count my chickens before they hatch, but I have a strong sense that this community is where God wants me at this time.
I've been longing for a strong sense of how God wants me to spend my time. I've sunk into a discouragement over feeling insignificant in the world. I've been feeling like I don't have much to contribute and there isn't meaning in my life. This has been a different experience then regular depression. I think the term "soul misery" is apt for what I have been experiencing.
One wise person told me that it is easier to steer a truck when it is moving. So I decided that I am tired of sitting back and wondering and simply praying for direction. I decided that I would make a list of things that I could do and explore the various options. Currently, I am looking at volunteering at a place that serves the homeless population. I have a real heart for street people as I see how I could have so easily become one of them. Many street people share stories of abuse and rejection. I have been wanting to get involved for quite awhile now.
Also - and here's the really exciting bit - I've decided to go back to school if I can get all my ducks in a row. I learned that I could take the final course that I need to graduate from my Bachelors degree this summer. It is an independent research project on the phenomenology of hospital environments. My supervisor is amazing - she is one of these people who is well known in the academic community and well published, yet she is also a mother and that comes through her teaching and her mannerisms. She treats students as real people. So by the end of the summer, I can be done my degree!!!! Then, all being well, I am going to continue my studies for the MDiv. I realized that all my interests lie within ministry - every book I write, every thought I write... everything that gets me excited is surrounding ministry. And so while I don't know exactly where God wants me, I decided to trust that he will show me as I continue to work on a degree that I once felt very strongly about.
Since I've made theses decisions, I have been very excited :) I have been working on my research project... something that I have procrastinated about for a long time now!
This truck is now moving. I am eager to see where God will steer it.
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