What's in a name?

As some of my readers know, I am in the process of writing a memoir. I think it will be a long process and that I need to include parts of my journey that have not happened yet and that in order to be a support and encouragement to those who walk similar journeys, there are still aspects of my story that I need to face. Still, I have started to write it and contemplate how it will unfold. One of the major dilemmas I have deliberated has been about authorship - should I write as anonymous, a pseudonym or my real name.

There is still a stigma and shame regarding abuse even though society has come a long way in terms of understanding and advocacy. Many survivors blame themselves or have been blamed by others. Whenever I disclose my story for the first time in a friendship, I still fear losing the friendship. My fear of rejection is something that I have started to work through, but it is still there. And even though it would be mostly strangers reading my memoir if it ever was published, it provokes anxiety to consider that people out there may know my story and then bump into me on the street or something. It does not feel safe to use my real name. I fear being judged, rejected or taken advantage of all over again. And perhaps of greater importance, I hesitate to use my real name because my story affects more than just me. I have siblings and a mother and extended family who are part of my story and I do not wish to cause them pain by writing out my story. Anonymity or a pseudonym seem like good ways to protect my family and myself in one sweep.

These two ways of authorship raise problems, however, and I think they are both not suitable. Anonymity loses a bit of credibility in my mind. Pseudonyms reinforce that something should be kept secret when talking about abuse. Both reinforce that there is something shameful about my story.

So after much thought and prayer, I have come up with a solution. I will use my given name as my authorship name. This name is actually my middle name, but is the name that I have always gone by. This makes sense to me because I have always insisted on being called by the full name and not by any short forms. I often jokingly give one warning if someone uses a nick name and then refuse to answer unless they call me by my proper name.

My last name would be Greek name that has symbolism in my life. The picture at the top of this post is of my beloved cat Shalom. Shalom is a Hebrew word that means peace, wholeness, healing etc. I had decided 5 1/2 years ago that I would name him Shalom as a symbol and reminder of the journey that I am. I decided that my author last name would be symbolic as well: Achimah. Achimah is the feminine form of the Greek name Achim which is thought to mean "Jehovah Raises up". The more I think and pray about the memoir, the more I think that it will be a story of how the Lord raises me up and out of traumatic events, post traumatic stress disorder and what I've been told is "severe major depression".

Names to me are very important. It is no surprise then that my authorship name would hold meaning and symbolism to me.