Everything made beautiful

Yesterday was quite the day. I've been admitted to a one week intensive trauma recovery program. Yesterday began with a community meeting followed by me working on my autobiography. I am not sure what I am supposed to do with my autobiography once it is done, but it is part of the program. Some aspects of the autobiography are simple to write about. Others, however, bring pain and anxiety and tears. My pastor and friend came to visit for a bit and challenged me with the question "So where do you see God in all this?" Then I had a very intensive meeting with my psychiatry team here - a meeting I thought would never end. Then a good friend surprised me with a visit, followed by another good friend and colleague. Then I had to attend a relaxation group (where I pretended to relax), meeting with the pharmacist resident and then went to a small group where we work on interpersonal skills. Small group here is nothing like small group that I am used to - I was put on the spot, and sitting in silence was forbidden. I had a meeting with my nurse. And then the fun began. Good dinner socializing with other patients here followed by a wonderful time with a good friend playing games.

Yesterday I had the desire to read Scripture for the first time in many weeks. A desire to grapple with various topics and to wrestle with God. But my Bible was locked up. I was pleased to remember that my journal had Bible verses (albeit often taken totally out of context!) written on the bottom of each page. So I chose a verse to meditate on it for a moment:

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Everything- God can take every aspect of our lives - of my life- and change it into something new, something good. But more than that - something beautiful. God is not limited in this transformation. When the time is right, everything will be made beautiful. I think right now of the ugly parts of my life - I cut and have ugly scars. I have tried to end my life on more than one occasion. The ugliness feels permanent and, particularly the scars, an ugliness that will always be with me. 

But these words - He has made - the beautifying is already in progress. God has made even what appears permanently ugly to be beautiful in its time. I think about my depression and the uglyness that goes with it. Perhaps my journey can understand, help empathize, bring wisdom and comfort to those who struggle. Perhaps my scars would become battle wounds, testifying of what God has done for me. Perhaps I will be able to walk with others who self-injure, helping them find a better way to cope. Perhaps this is how God will make my story beautiful. Or perhaps the testimony will blow people into a position of awe for the living God, and maybe in that way, he will turn my self-injury into battle wounds into testimony for beauty.

God has made everything beautiful in his time. I think this latter part is key. First of all, it is not my timing. I may think I know God's timing, or at least what is best. But alas, I am a frail human who cannot always see what beauty is or believe it is possible. But in his perfect timing, he will make all things perfect. In some ways I am receiving training, intense training albeit, but training nonetheless for what I believe God has called me to do. His timing is perfect.

As for God, his way is perfect;

the word of the Lord is flawless

He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

- 2 Samuel 22:31

God makes everything beautiful in his time.

Not in my time. Not in the world's time. God's time: In God's time it will be made beautiful.

Praise God!